A few pictures from Steve's visit

Jonathan's "surprise"

Back in January, Steve found out that he would be getting a 4 day pass in late February to come home before he would be going overseas. Nothing with the Army is ever final so even though we booked his ticket to come home (with insurance of course), I decided that it was best to not tell Jonathan. I could only imagine hyping up daddy coming home and then find out at the last minute for whatever reason, that he couldn't. So, as the day got closer, I told Jonathan that on Saturday (february 20) we would be going to the airport "For a surprise". Thank goodness a 3 year old can take that at face value and not ask a lot of questions. Thinking about that day, I was thinking how I can make it special. A friend of mine had mentioned that there is an organization called "Operation Love Reunited" which has photographers who donate their time and product to military families. I contacted 2 photographers and I ended up with Erika Hopkins Photography! She took care of all the details and made sure that Jonathan got the perfect surprise!
When February 20th arrived, we met Erika at the airport. Jonathan clicked with her automatically because she had a camera (Jonathan absolutely LOVES cameras!). We kept up to date with when his plane landed and we waited and waited to hear from him that he was near. In the mean time, hundreds of soldiers walked by us and Jonathan just kept saying, "Hey, those are Army guys like Daddy!" but never put two and two together. Finally I got a text message fom him saying that he was on the tram. My heart began to race!!! I know it had "only" been 7 weeks but it sure felt like an eternity and I could not wait to be reunited! I finally saw Steve coming with another soldier and I pointed to the two of them and said to Jonathan, "Jonathan, who is THAT???" He looked for a few seconds and then you saw the excitement and he screamed, "It's my daddy!!!!" It is something that I will never forget! Truly one of the most priceless moments of my life. Steve scooped him up and Jonathan just would not let go. I ran to him and hugged him probably harder than I have ever hugged him before! Erika snapped many photos (and before you ask, I am still waiting to see them but when I do, I will post them!) and then parted ways with us.
We had the most amazing 4 days! We went to Tampa and stayed at MacDill Airforce base at their Hotel there. It was a beautiful condo with a full kitchen, master bedroom and pull out couch! We went to the beach, out to dinner, shopping and enjoyed every moment as a family! Monday night we went to dinner at Cape May Cafe at Disney. They made us "family of the day" and gave us chocolate covered strawberries with "Thank You" written on the plate. Then, we were surprised that when we asked for the check, the server notified us that it had been taken care of! I tell you, some people are truly generous!!!
It went by SOOOO fast and Tuesday arrived where we had to bring Steve back to the airport. Originally I was going to work and now I am forever grateful to work for letting me have the day off even though I didn't have any days left to take. I think this "See you later" day was SOOOO much harder than it was back in January. He hugged me and told me everything was going to be okay and that I was going to be okay. I just sobbed for a moment into his chest and then he had to leave. He hugged Jonathan who was still in the car and he walked into the airport. I watched every last second until I couldn't see him any more. Then I cried again and then I hear Jonathan saying something to me that I will never forget. He said, "Mommy, it will be okay, Daddy will be home soon." I should be the one comforting him. What a strong and smart little boy Steve and I have raised!
I kept telling myself that I wanted to keep Jonathan busy that day but really I think I wanted to keep myself busy and out of my house. We went to play miniature golf and went shopping...but then it was time to go home. I walked into the house and cried some more. How could it be that Steve wouldn't step back in here for so many months??? It just didn't seem possible.
Every day is hard, some days are harder than others. But every day I try to smile! Jonathan keeps me going. Plus, I have such a great group of coworkers who some are truly great friends and they don't let me get down. Same with my family...they are checking in on me constantly and I appreciate it more than anyone will know!

I have a very real fear...

I think about it all of the time...I can't get it out of my head...
I am SO afraid that Steve won't be the same person when he comes home from Kuwait...even when he comes home from Texas for the few days that he will be here. I don't know what I am expecting...I know that doing what he will be doing will be hard, scary, etc....I know you CAN'T be the same after being involved in a deployment. We have SO many goals for his return, I guess what scares me is that those goals will change. I love Steve will all of my heart and I know he feels the same about me...there is no denying that...but I am just scared...very scared!
But I can't wait to wrap my arms around him at the airport! There will be tons of pictures taken over the course of the weekend!!! We are just going to relax and enjoy every moment that we can until Tuesday morning when I have to go to work and bring Jonathan to school and say, yet again, "see you later" to Steve. This is so overwhelming!!!
But I do want to reassure everyone out there reading this blog...I am doing okay! I am keeping my head up and making sure that Jonathan and I live every day to the fullest. I think that I am doing better than most expected. I smile every day and make sure that Jonathan knows that he is loved by everyone including his daddy who is off being a hero!
OMG I can't WAIT for this weekend!!!

Milestones...

I know some people mark deployments by how many holidays have passed...I am marking it by how many major sportings events pass that I would have watched with Steve. This weekend is the Superbowl, next weekend is the Daytona 500 and then the week after, pitchers and catchers report to spring training. I really can't say if I am going to watch much of it without Steve. It just doesn't seem right...doesn't seem the same. Don't get me wrong, I will definitely still watch the Red Sox but I am just having a hard time getting excited about it. It makes me sad...

Jonathan has a way with words...

Usually about once a day, Jonathan will tell me that he misses his daddy. It breaks my heart. So my answer to him is usually "I know baby, I miss your daddy too..." and he argues with me and says, "my daddy is Steve, your daddy is Papa. You miss Papa."
From a 3 year old's mind, it totally makes sense.
BUT then there is the time that Jonathan will ask me for something (a lolipop at 730 in the morning, a TV show at 730 at night before he goes to bed) and I say no. So then he gives me a pouty lip and tells me, "I miss my daddy...can I have___?"
He REALLY knows how to work it!
I love him and don't know how I would be going through this without him! He brightens my days and always gives me something to look forward too...even if it is also looking forward to a girls night out without him! <3

It's nice to know I am not the only one going through this...

I know that there are tons of military wives dealing with the same thing, some worse, every day. My friend Laura "introduced me" to her friend whose husband is also on the same deployment as Steve. We haven't met yet but had the occasion to talk yesterday. It felt really nice to be able to discuss things with someone who knows how it feels first hand. She had great information for me and I had some for her as well.
We are going to the movies together (with Laura and Angela) on Saturday. We are going to see Dear John. I know, you are probably saying that we are CRAZY to go. Why would we want to go and see that with what we are going through. We both kinda described it as a sick fascination. It will be comforting to cry with someone who is crying for the same reasons as me.